While researching the power of forgiveness I came across an article by Judith Orloff MD. Dr. Orloff is the author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) and has given us a brief description of what can be found in her book. In this piece, Dr. Orloff has also provided some tools to help to reach forgiveness, as well as letting us know how we benefit from it.
"In my new book I
emphasize the importance of forgiveness and why revenge doesn’t work. Forgiveness is
the act of compassionately releasing the desire to punish someone or yourself
for an offense. It’s a state of grace, nothing you can force or pretend. There
are no short cuts. Mistakenly, some of my patients, wanting to be “spiritual,” have
prematurely tried to forgive after someone emotionally knifes them in the gut.
First, you must feel anger before you can begin to
forgive. I gradually guide patients to the large-heartedness of forgiving
injuries either caused by others or self-inflicted.
Revenge is the desire
to get even when someone does you wrong. It’s natural to feel angry, to say
“I’m not going to let that **** get away with this,” whatever “this” is.
However, revenge reduces you to your worst self, puts you on the same level
with those spiteful people we claim to abhor. Additionally, studies have shown
that revenge increases stress and impairs health and immunity. Sure, if someone
hits you with a stick, you have the impulse to hit them back--the basis for
wars. To thrive personally and as a species, we must resist this predictable
lust for revenge, and seek to right wrongs more positively. This doesn’t make
you a pushover; you’re just refusing to act in a tediously destructive way
antithetical to ever finding peace. As Confucius says, "Before you embark
on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
What I’m suggesting
is a version of “turn the other cheek” yet still doing everything to preserve
what’s important to you. The hard part, though, is watching someone “get away
with something” when there’s nothing you can do about it. Yes, your wife left
you for the yoga instructor. Yes, your colleague sold you out. With situations
like this in my life, I take solace in the notion of karma, that sooner or
later, what goes around comes around. Also know that the best revenge is your
success, happiness, and the triumph
of not giving vindictive people any dominion over your peace of mind.
Forgiveness refers to
the actor not the act. Not to the offense but the woundedness of the offender.
This doesn’t mean you’ll run back to your battering spouse because of
compassion for the damaged person he or she is. Of course you want to spare
yourself mistreatment. However, from a distance, you can try to forgive the
conscious or unconscious suffering
that motivates people. Our desire to transform anger is a summoning of peace,
well worth the necessary soul stretching.
Emotional Action
Step. Be Bigger Than Anger--Practice Forgiveness Now
1. Identify one person
you’re angry with. Start with someone low on your list, not your rage-aholic father.
Then you can get a taste of forgiveness quickly. After that you can proceed to
tackle more challenging targets.
2. Honestly address your
feelings. Talk to friends, your therapist, or other supportive people, but
get the anger out. I also recommend writing your feelings down in a journal to
purge negativity. Then, decide whether you want to raise the issue with
someone.
3. Begin to forgive. Hold the person
you’re angry with clearly in your mind. Then ask yourself, “What emotional
shortcomings caused him or her to treat me poorly?” This is what you want to
have compassion for, the area to forgive. Definitely, don’t subject yourself to
shabby treatment, but reach for compassion for the person’s emotional blindness
or cold heart.
Here’s how
forgiveness can work in a range of situations where you’d have every right to
be angry. It establishes a kinder mindset whether or not you decide to confront
someone.
·
A good friend acts inconsiderately when she’s
having a bad day. Remember, nobody’s perfect. You may want to let the incident
slide. If you do mention it, don’t make this one-time slight into a big deal.
Give your friend a break--forgive the lapse.
·
A co-worker takes credit for your ideas. Do damage
control, whether it means mentioning this situation to the co-worker, your
boss, or Human Resources, and don’t trust her with ideas in the future.
However, try to forgive the co-worker for being such a greedy, insecure, mean-spirited
person that she has to stoop so low as to steal from you.
·
Your mother-in-law is needy or demanding. Keep setting kind
but firm boundaries so over time you can reach palatable compromises. But also
have mercy on the insecurities beneath her neediness and demands--perhaps fear of being alone, of aging, of being excluded from the family,
of not being heard. This will soften your response to her.
·
You suffered childhood abuse. The healing process of
recovering from abuse requires enormous compassion for yourself and is
facilitated by support from other abuse survivors, family, friends, or a
therapist. Still, if you feel ready to work towards forgiveness of an abuser,
it necessitates seeing the brokenness and suffering that would make the person
want to commit such grievous harm. You’re not excusing the behavior or
returning to it, but grasping how emotionally crippled he or she is, a huge
stretch of compassion, but the path to freedom.
Forgiveness is a
paradigm-shifting solution for transforming anger. It liberates you from the
trap of endless revenge so that you can experience more joy and connection.
Forgiveness does more for you than anyone else because it liberates you from
negativity and lets you move forward. Forgiving might not make anger totally
dissolve but it will give you the freedom of knowing you are so much more."
